beka hope

I don't want to be myself, I want to be better

2012-02-05T21:15:00.001+13:00

Myself is unorganised and messy, and frequently walks into things which creates unsightly bruises in strange places. No, I am not a battered woman: I am merely clumsy.

Myself is flighty and indecisive.

Myself backs down way too easily.

Myself is kinda weak and will usually take the easy road rather than the hard, despite good intentions.

Example: (dialogue with myself)

10pm: "I'm going to get an early night and tomorrow morning I'll wake up at 6 and go for a run!"

11:47pm: (still on facebook/watching a movie/lying in the hammock)

1am: Lie in bed remembering the reason I never get an early night is because of the people who enjoy frequenting the nightclub outside my window.

3am: Fall asleep.

6am: Wake up to the sound of many bottles being poured into a rubbish truck with a loud reverse signal/beep thing (this may be the worst sound in the world)

6:01am: Stumble out of bed, close my windows, fall back into bed and turn my ipod on (noise-blocking headphones were the best purchase I ever made. Ever).

9am: Wake up sweating because I closed my windows at 6am and apparently my room is an oven. I'm way too hot and tired to consider running at this point.

See, there are reasons that my good intentions become null and void.

But if we're gonna zoom out (metaphorically) and take a look at the bigger picture I've gotta realise that there's no time for this crappy version of myself. Life is short dammit! It is ridiculous to spend 10 minutes deciding whether to get lemon cheesecake or tiramisu cake when the $8 I spent on it (admittedly there was a free coffee thrown in there) could contribute to something worth far more. Cheesecake is not a big deal in this world. I kinda wish it was, but really: it is not.

If I'm going to wake up tired at 9am then I might as well wake up tired at 6am and avoid the getting hot and gross before I even wake up part of the deal.

I want to change the world.

Probably not going to happen if I cannot even change myself. And it's hard to change yourself when you're perfectly comfortable living the way you're living. But I'm not. I want something more. I want to be better.

In a positive advance in my quest to be better than myself, this week I have been taking the stairs instead of the lift and the grand thing is that all it took was walking past the lift and opening the door to the stairs instead. And it's probably faster than waiting for the lift to arrive at our floor anyway.

I know this is tiny in the great scheme of things, but the principle at stake is the same.

Things I want to do in my life but so far haven't simply because myself keeps getting in the way of Beka-Who-Knows-What-She-Wants-And-Makes-It-Happen:

> get a freaking sweet job that starts a fire in my belly and makes me excited to go to work every morning

> perfect the art of sharing the truth with grace and love and respect, yet conviction and urgency and passion

> actually save money

> stop caring about what people think because they're going to think no matter what I do

> be an integral part of the evolution of something that has the power to change to the world for massive good and then throw my heart and soul into it to help make it happen

> get my nose pierced (Mum I promise I only want the tiniest tiniest one everrrr!)

> look babing in a bikini

> be able to run a mile without literally dying at the end

> make snap (good) decisions.

That list isn't even that big,

and it starts

here

and

now.

NB

2012-01-30T03:11:00.002+13:00

Last week Nath came to see me and we spent the week watching tennis, drinking amazing juice/cider, going to the zoo, falling asleep in the park, going man shopping (!!!) (I LOVE BOYS CLOTHES), swimming in the ocean, fighting about whether abbreviations ending with "s" are ok or not ok, cooking bacon and eggs for breakfast, dancing to Michael Jackson, and painting up the town.

We both really like triangles.

I'm unsure when this obsession started, but living in Melbourne has only fueled it. Melbourne should pretty much just be renamed Tri-city. Or something.

When we decided to stencil something around town it was kinda clear that it would involve a triangle, an N, and a B. Obvs.

Yeaaaaaa. We're pretty proud of this.

We're pretty small in this big, big world, but I know we're both going to make our mark on it.

Familiar

2012-01-18T00:44:00.001+13:00

It feels like home when you start to recognise people in the supermarket. When the guy who makes your coffee sits down and talks to you for 20 minutes. When you meet your neighbours in the lift and they finally realise that you're not just a visitor, and they introduce themselves. When people ask you for directions and you can actually help. When you start getting Australian numbers in your phone along with all the mile long international ones. When you actually memorise your own Australian number.

Home is quite a fluid thing which I don't think I'll ever completely arrive at, in this life at least.

Lover not a fighter

2012-01-17T04:12:00.001+13:00

Sometimes I wish I held more of an opinion on things, sometimes I wish I could stand up and fight for something I believe in. I wish I had an answer for everything and everyone, and I wish that I could be so sure about something that I'd defend it no matter what anyone threw at me.
But I'm a lover, not a fighter.
I passionately believe in the power of an infinite love.
I'll stand for this love, because it's one thing I know for sure. It's one thing I will fight for.

And that fight is only won by love.
Ironic.

When you know

2012-01-14T02:00:00.001+13:00

You know.

Every day

2012-01-13T17:49:00.001+13:00

It's a really beautiful life.

Go

2012-01-10T00:38:00.001+13:00

If we dream we can do it then we have every reason to do it. If we ask why, shouldn't we be asking "why not?" just as often? Let's start asking questions and learning new things. Doing things that scare us and taking risks. It's a beautiful and crazy world out there and we're a part of that. We're infinitely big and frighteningly small in the very same breath.
Find yourself.
Be surprised at all that you are. Be amazed at all that you are not. Be curious at all that you could be. And be daring at finding some way to intertwine the three.
You're the only one who can make your dreams come true.
So go and make them.

let it out

2011-12-24T12:21:00.003+13:00

"We are cups, constantly & quietly being filled. The trick is knowing how to tip ourselves over & let the beautiful stuff out." – Ray Bradbury

Wonder

2011-12-19T01:57:00.002+13:00

When you spend 4 hours on an aeroplane that I imagine is flying fairly speedily through the sky -eventually landing you up in another country where they call jandals "thongs", and laugh at you when you say "six" "seven" "ten" or "eleven - that makes popping home for a quick visit so you can give Mum a hug a bit tricky. It makes coffee dates with Nath rather scarce.

It also means missing out on frozen L&P and Burgerfuel - two of the most amazing things in the universe.

However, it also gives you beautiful lightning storms fairly regularly; a fancy apartment with a lift straight to your door; triangles everywhere; something new to see every single day; a job that pays you enough that you can finally start saving; sunny days; elderly asian ladies kissing your cheek and saying "you are so so so cute!"; the best packaging at the supermarkets (oh, I could spend hours in there); 1kg of fresh cherries for $3; a double bed which pretty much works like the pillow phenomenon (when you get way too hot on one side you turn it over and BAM you are cool again - except with the bed you just move to the other side. IDEAL. I've never experienced such luxury); the joy of talking to Mum once every few weeks is delightful. Equally so is the joy of talking to Nath!; endless, endless shops/shopping; the purchasing of an iphone becoming a very real possibility; a million people to people watch; beautiful alleyways full of graffiti; the cutest little coffee shops tucked in the most obscure of places; free internet all over the place; TRIANGLES EVERYWHERE; 1000 different foods to try (newest fave = squid!)....

Most of all, though, I think it's given me the hugest sense of appreciation for all that I have.

I'm really, really lucky and I find it all too easy to take for granted. Missing home, missing Mum, missing Nath. But I've realised that the luxury of having someone to miss is something beautiful. I'm learning to be thankful for even that; to make the most of my time here because nothing lasts forever.

Let us revel and wonder in every small moment that comes our way - you have to live your life for now.

Daffodils

2011-12-05T11:28:00.001+13:00

Obviously I'm pretty stoked to find this metaphorical field of daffodils in the middle of Melbourne.

We picked our dreams out of the stars that night and I followed mine

2011-11-30T15:57:00.001+13:00

It feels a bit like I'm dreaming and soon I'm going to wake up and life will be back to normal.
But then I remember that the new normal is living in an apartment 3 floors up in the middle of Melbourne, with nightclubs and street cleaners outside my window. It's really hot and I leave all the windows open at night. It's going to work with all these people I don't know yet, in this place I've never been, and everything is chaos in my mind because I'm in another world and everything is different.
Welcome to the city life!

Did I ever tell you how lucky you are?

2011-11-21T11:37:00.001+13:00

This week has been rad...let's not forget exactly HOW rad:

Having no fixed abode, and staying with my friends Sarah and Dom, and finding chocolates on my pillow. I've pretty much got the best friends everrrr! | Paying an extra week of rent by mistake and then getting refunded :) | Nath and Cat organising a surprise birthday party for me! Everyone's so nice! | Oh yea, I've got a degree and stuff now. I guess that counts as pretty rad! | Last week I was sick and then suddenly my excellent boyfriend was there giving me my mail and checking to see if I was ok, even though it was totally a working day between the hours of 9 and 5. This is why he's the best. | Me + Krystal + Cat + Tracy + Jas getting all dressed up for our exhibition together. Babing times! | Surviving 9 hours in 4 inch heels. Skill. | Going to weddings and being in love and stuff! | People still giving me presents a week after my birthday. TOO NICE! | Realising that my hair is long again. YAYYY! | Meeting Australians! I like their accent. | Sitting beside the sea with Nath and Em and Alice. Oh that was lovely. | Hearing Philippa's voice telling me I have a message every time I get a text. | One of my lecturers wants to buy the books from The Hope Project! That makes everything worth it. | Night church being flipping jkaljofiahi EPIC, out of this world lastnight! Message: this guy, Philip, has been part of a thriving church and community and then he sets out on his own and he's on this lonesome road and he meets a guy and takes this opportunity and shares about Jesus with him, and baptizes him then and there, and then the whole of Ethiopia is impacted for Christ! THAT'S WHAT I'M TALKIN' ABOUT! Flip, God's real good at getting in my face and being all like "GO!". Yes.

Let's not forget anything about how wonderful right now is, and has been, and will be!

Can I be close to you?

2011-11-20T22:59:00.001+13:00

It was really, really late lastnight and we'd been at this beautiful wedding and we were driving home. He was driving and I was in the passenger seat. I was supposed to be keeping him awake but I was terrible company and I kept drifting off to sleep because I was so tired. We were driving through all this fog and he said to me "This reminds me of life. You can only see what's directly in front of you: but that's all you need."

He's really, really good at understanding exactly how I'm feeling and knowing what to say to make it ok.

Melbourne is coming around far too quickly, but I'm 100% sure that absence is only going to make my heart grow fonder.

I'll see you soon

2011-11-15T22:12:00.001+13:00

Don't think about it, don't think about it.

Oh yes you are

2011-11-07T12:25:00.001+13:00

Night

2011-11-07T10:52:00.003+13:00

I have loved the stars too fondly to be fearful of the night.
- Galileo

Right now (II)

2011-11-03T19:01:00.004+13:00

sneaky crop/zoom from my book!

AHHHH right about now is the time of year when I usually have a mental breakdown of some sort. I keep telling myself that it's going to be fine though. It's only a degree! It's only an exhibition. It's only a book. People do this stuff allllllll the time, and so can I. No big deal. Yeh.
It's kinda fun, anyway. When I forget about the stress, this is the kind of stuff I want to spend my life doing. And it's the last two weeks, so I'm trying to love it.

Right now I am: in mac suite 3 with Cat and Tracy and Elle and Darcy and Lydia, and I'm drinking water, listening to Coldplay, designing up a storm. There's nothing bad about that!

I rediscovered DesignLoveFest and it's AWESOME. Also, Graphic Exchange.

Life is beautiful. Even when I'm stressed out and I just want to sleep for longer than 6 hours or hug someone for a long time, or even sit in the grass and do nothing, but I've got to keep going and going and going.....
It's still beautiful.

Ambition

2011-11-02T10:30:00.004+13:00

All I want is to take those moments - the ones that leave you speechless with wonder - and wrap them up into something beautiful, something tangible, something that can be felt by someone else with the depth that I feel it.

That is what I want to spend the rest of my life trying to do.

I like things.

2011-10-31T17:02:00.000+13:00

I like having quality headphones that have good bass and fill my ears with beautiful sound.
I like sleeping with the windows open.
I like having occasions that require new dresses, and having money to buy said new dress!
I like picnics at the park with the girls!
I like surprise visits from my favourite Aucklander!
I like my sweet sweet boyfriend helping me paint things! And being awesome.
I like being able to finish work a week early so I've got more time to do awesome things.
I like talking on the phone to my Mum.
I like the pressure of deadlines and how fast and awesome it makes me work!
I like caffeine.
I like Kilinchy Gold Maple Walnut icecream OM NOM NOM.
I like looking forward to things.
I recently discovered that I like cider. YUMMM.
I like that turps is real good at getting black paint off your hands.
I like tramping with beautiful friends in the forest behind my house!
I like flipping out over how looooovely everything is!

I could probs go on foreverrrr but I've kinda got some mad deadlines to meet right now.
YEEOWWWWW.

A mathematic revelation

2011-10-26T00:35:00.002+13:00

Do you think that maybe we are a little bit like lines?
Remember back in maths how there were parallel lines and perpendicular lines?
It's a little bit like how we are.
In a perpendicular line context you cross paths with someone and find that you grow closer and closer, until your paths collide and BAM everything makes perfect sense...for a little while. But you keep going and they keep going and the space between you starts off small but soon it becomes an ocean, a world, a galaxy. Someone who used to be a friend soon becomes a stranger.
And then there are parallel lines. They can go on and on and on and never meet. But the rare and beautiful thing is parallel lines that go on and on forever in the same direction exactly side by side. They're the friends that stay in touch when the years are long and the separation is the sea. The ones you just need to look at and know. They will always be there.

We are like lines.

Colour

2011-10-25T12:21:00.003+13:00

Become

2011-10-18T15:16:00.003+13:00

"You don't become great by trying to be great.
You become great by wanting to do something,
and then doing it so hard that you become great in the process."

You put the spring in my heart

2011-10-17T13:03:00.000+13:00

IT'S SUCH A BEAUTIFUL LIFE!
And because I'm such a fan of lists, and such a fan of beautiful things, it makes sense to combine the two.

The best things in my life right now go like this...

- scoring a door (yes, a door) for $5.50 on Trademe! YES YES YES! That's not gonna break the bank, hooray! Exhibition goodness is starting to come together.

- RUGBYWORLDCUP! Oh man! I LOVE how everyone is backing our country for all we are worth. I LOVE how everyone sings the national anthem. I LOVE how the passion they put into the haka. I LOVE that we're in the final! I LOVE that our colour is black, because that is the staple colour in my wardrobe. It's quite easy to be supportive. Annnnd I love watching it with my favourite people.

- driving to photoshoots at outdoor locations in torrential rain and then the sun coming out while I'm shooting, and then heading home through more torrential rain. Timing. I'm sure it's not coincidental.

- averaging 5 hours of sleep a night + wayyyy too much caffeine = time is not wasted sleeping!

- Jord is staying with me this week YAYYYYY! Sibling bonding time!

- going to weddings and love being so awesome.

- being totes overwhelmed by God's bigness. And his love! Cos if our human love is this amazing and beautiful and unfathomable....his love is SO SO SO much more and bigger! I can't even imagine that, but the minuscule understanding of it that I can manage to wrap my mind around is just so huge that it knocks me over.

- pancake sunday breakfast goodness and then it turning into an extended day of awesomeness filled with wonderfulness that didn't finish until midnight :) I LOVE THIS.

- being convinced of Melbourne's awesomeness and being REAL excited about going, but soaking up all the goodness for all it's worth right here, right now, while I can.

- LOVE. just love. oh it's huge.

- having so so so so soooo many flipping WONDERFUL people in my life. I don't even know how it's possible to have so many people that I hold in such high regard being such a big part of my life! Blessed out of my tree yeowwwww.

Yeh. Life is babing.
And I'm loving the sun that's becoming more of a regular occurrence! Cracked out the shorts and jandals today (and subsequently, the fake tan. Winter isn't kind to the colour of my legs).

LOVE LOVE LOVE.

Creative

2011-10-13T19:06:00.000+13:00

Designing for yourself is so freakin' hard, but today I finally did it and although whenever this happens I usually tend to change my mind about it every single week, I think I may have finally struck upon the perfect mix of simple/chaotic.

FRONT

BACK

Hire me yeoowwww! I'm creative. And professional. And I find triangles really, really endearing.

The best thing

2011-10-10T09:59:00.000+13:00

YAY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! :) :) :) :)

Defining moments

2011-10-06T15:27:00.002+13:00

For the most part, I think, life is mainly a series of everyday events that - although useful and beautiful - don't have a huge bearing on the direction of your life. It's like....we're walking down a road and we're constantly moving but it's not as if we stray from the path that often. Although I guess you could argue that some of us do - you know: the wanderers, the adventurers, the ones that can't sit still.
But then there are the defining moments - the decisions and events that change the direction of your life. Sometimes you don't even realise it's happening until you look back - years later - and discover that if it weren't for that simple moment way back then, that your life would look very different. And then there are the things that you know are going to change your life.

When 2 such defining moments happen in the space of 4 days, whoaaaaa!

That's all kinds of crazy and I'm still wrapping my head around the whole thing and pinching myself to make sure it's real, but suffice to say I am the happiest/luckiest/most-wildly-excited-to-the-maximum-capacity/blessed-to-infinity girl in the universe!

Right now

2011-10-02T16:30:00.000+13:00

WAAAAAAA, perfect:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=4bTjDace9nY

Love game

2011-10-02T14:10:00.001+13:00

Let's play the love game:

I LOVE:

Daylight savings yo! The lack of routine in my life was verified when I didn't even notice the change in time - win, win! Cos I'm lovin' the extra rays of light at the end of the day too! | Lying on my front lawn soaking up the sun instead of doing my business assignment. Bliss. | Carla the gangsta babe loaning me her keyboard and so now I can play the keys again! YAYYYYY! There is nothing like making music. Even when you're rusty asssssss. But it's way way way more appealing than doing my business assignment. | GETTING A SUMMER JOB IN FREAKING MELBOURNE!!!!!!!!! Life just got 10,000 times more exciting. | Rugby. Ohh yep, I got hit by world cup fever. And going to one of the actual games with Nath (and his Mum!) annnnnnd everything being awesome! | Smoothies with Krystal. Oosh. Yep, summer is heeeeeeere (not really, it's only spring. But close.) | Going to the beach with the faaaaaamily (instead of doing my business assignment - I see a pattern emerging here) | Phone calls from EAAAAMMMMM! What a beauty | 21sts | My black velvet dress from the opshop. I'd be down for wearing it every day if that was at all appropriate | Romans 8:5 | Peace of mind yussssss | Looking forward to things :) :) :) | Sunday afternoons spent at UCOL with the intent of fiiiiiinally doing my business assignment. It's going to happen! | 5 weeks left of uni and then having a degree! | Bouncers laughing at my ID and checking like 100 times to make sure it's me cos the difference between 16 year old me and 19 year old me is quite extreme. Cool. | Getting mail that isn't the power bill! AND, has pictures on the envelope! | being able to talk to my Dad | Love itself | When boys spontaneously break out the haka. Makes me feel all patriotic! Powerful.

Oh man, I could actually go on forever.
Life is so beautiful!

My life so far

2011-09-26T18:48:00.004+13:00

You are good.

2011-09-25T18:18:00.000+13:00

You find me in the middle of the mess and when I'm ready to fall apart you hold me together. You open my eyes to everything beautiful in my life and you're the knowing in my soul that won't let me slow down or hold back. I see your faithfulness in the smallest of things and I'm reminded how much more you can take care of the big things. Your timing is extraordinary - such orchestration of people and time and place surpasses any kind of coincidence.
You are good.
All the time.

Untitled

2011-09-20T12:57:00.000+12:00

You make me better

2011-09-15T15:18:00.001+12:00

Life, you're pretty flipping cool.
This is what's floating my boat this week!
The Gypsy and the Cat (if you click anything today, click that link. This is my current favourite band. WIN) | having the best flatmates in the world, I'm pretty lucky! | all the best opportunities showing up | going to uni intending to do work but talking to so many people instead about things that matter | looking after my little sister and walking down the street with her swinging off my hand and constantly chattering | love | my rad brothers who make me prouder than proud | being totally straight up about everything | SOMEONE WHO MAKES MY LIFE AWESOME | being best friends forever and ever with my favourite person in the world! sososo amazed | being able to see the HOPE graffiti that someone did for me from the computer I'm sitting at through the gap in the blinds at uni | big dreams and people who believe in them with me | finding good when things are falling apart around me | texts from Em! | sitting up at Freedom and laughing and laughing because I'm TOO happy for words | knowing |

Yea...life is this beautiful collision of pain and wonder and happiness and it constantly takes my breath away. Not even exaggerating. Beautiful.

Do you feel?

2011-09-14T16:20:00.000+12:00

I'm going through a bit of a C.S. Lewis thing at the moment, but WHOA the things he said in his lifetime are so full of wisdom and truth. That guy knew things.
This little piece hit me square in the face the other day:

"You may have noticed that the books you really love are bound together by a secret thread. You know very well what is the common quality that makes you love them, though you cannot put it into words: but most of your friends do not see it at all, and often wonder why, liking this, you should also like that.
Again, you have stood before some landscape, which seems to embody what you have been looking for all your life; and then turned to the friend at your side who appears to be seeing what you saw -- but at the first words a gulf yawns between you, and you realise that this landscape means something totally different to him, that he is pursuing an alien vision and cares nothing for the ineffable suggestion by which you are transported.
Even in your hobbies, has there not always been some secret attraction which the others are curiously ignorant of -- something, not to be identified with, but always on the verge of breaking through, the smell of cut wood in the workshop or the clap-clap of water against the boat's side?
Are not all lifelong friendships born at the moment when at last you meet another human being who has some inkling
(but faint and uncertain even in the best) of that something which you were born desiring, and which, beneath the flux of other desires and in all the momentary silences between the louder passions, night and day, year by year, from childhood to old age, you are looking for, watching for, listening for? You have never had it. All the things that have ever deeply possessed your soul have been but hints of it -- tantalising glimpses, promises never quite fulfilled, echoes that died away just as they caught your ear. But if it should really become manifest -- if there ever came an echo that did not die away but swelled into the sound itself -- you would know it. Beyond all possibility of doubt you would say "Here at last is the thing I was made for".
We cannot tell each other about it. It is the secret signature of each soul,
the incommunicable and unappeasable want, the thing we desired before we met our wives or made our friends or chose our work, and which we shall still desire on our deathbeds, when the mind no longer knows wife or friend or work. While we are, this is. If we lose this, we lose all."
-- C.S. Lewis

It's true, you know. We look at the same things and see them entirely different. I remember this one time at the beach when I was suddenly struck by the horizon. The fact that it's so straight and clean and perfect and it goes on and on and on. THAT'S BEAUTIFUL. The epiphany of the horizon that day changed my life, and yet the people I was with didn't even notice it.
There aren't many people who feel the same, so when you find someone who feels the way you do....feels it without any explanation or even any words at all. That changes everything.
And that's the closest I can get to explaining how it is.

Somewhere

2011-09-12T12:50:00.003+12:00

On Saturday I saw a man whose wife had just died and it was the most heart breaking thing I've ever seen. I hope she's somewhere beautiful and that somehow he knows that and can go on.

Keep back nothing

2011-09-09T16:00:00.000+12:00

"Your real, new self (which is Christ's and also yours, and yours just because it is His) will not come as long as you are looking for it. It will come when you are looking for Him. Does that sound strange? The same principle holds, you know, for more everyday matters. Even in social life, you will never make a good impression on other people until you stop thinking about what sort of impression you are making. Even in literature and art, no man who bothers about originality will ever be original whereas if you simply try to tell the truth (without caring twopence how often it has been told before) you will, nine times out of ten, become original without ever having noticed it. The principle runs through all life from top to bottom, Give up yourself, and you will find your real self. Lose your life and you will save it. Submit to death, death of your ambitions and favourite wishes every day and death of your whole body in the end submit with every fibre of your being, and you will find eternal life. Keep back nothing. Nothing that you have not given away will be really yours. Nothing in you that has not died will ever be raised from the dead. Look for yourself, and you will find in the long run only hatred, loneliness, despair, rage, ruin, and decay. But look for Christ and you will find Him, and with Him everything else thrown in."
-- CS Lewis

Welcome to my interesting life

2011-09-08T16:39:00.000+12:00

This is a list of interesting* things in my life at the moment:

1. Right now all I want to do is eat peas and corn and carrots with salt and pepper
2. This week I have spent about 80% of the time asleep. Not a good ratio for productivity, but that's what you get for getting the flu.
3. I'm trying to think of a birthday present for someone pretty awesome. It's hard.
4. I might be going somewhere really cool soon. Hint: it's not in New Zealand.
5. On Sunday night I went to the rugby with some hardcore fans. They screamed and yelled a lot. I enjoyed myself.
6. (....this one is kind of a secret...) but it's probably the most legitimately interesting thing on this list. Wait and see.

*interestingness IS debatable. Except for that last one.

Brave

2011-08-30T16:44:00.001+12:00

"You have to be brave with your life
so that others can be brave with theirs."

Read this

2011-08-29T18:11:00.003+12:00

I'm tired of thinking and researching and conceptualising. There comes a time when you know enough to make something worthwhile. And there also comes a time when you know TOO much to create anything of any effectivity at all. I think I'm reaching that stage now. But I want what I create to hold that raw creativity and wonder that only comes from imperfection. There's something in being able to see like the rest of the world....not as a graphic designer or an artist or a photographer. I miss that naivety about what I create. I don't want to get so far away from that that I alienate the people that this is for. There are things I know in my subconscious and in my soul that will appear in my work without me even considering them and I don't want to wreck that by overthinking, because it's in those things that the magic happens.

Runaway

2011-08-29T15:29:00.002+12:00

(click to see larger)

Inspired by this song, this style, and how I felt last week.

Happiest

2011-08-25T15:51:00.001+12:00

Happy x 10,000,000,000,000,000,000,000
When you let your dreams fly and they come back to you...then you know they're real.

Be open!

2011-08-22T11:42:00.002+12:00

LET'S NOT BE CONSERVATIVE. Let's live and love and be, wildly and freely. We weren't born to live small.

Look, God's got massive things lined up for us, massive ways in which He's prepared to use us and work through us. It's easy - too easy - to get caught up in the little things that threaten to take over all perspective, when there are these wide open spaces created for us to explore and utilise. Why don't we embrace that with arms wide open?? We get caught up in our insecurities and our failures, but what is true is that God is GOD, and by not trusting ourselves we're not really trusting him either. Let's let go of our conservative nature, of the way we think things should be. These ideals and traditions and stereotypes are only holding us back from the good and incredibility of right now, We need to let go of the way we've always done things and the way we think they should be, and start something new and amazing. Let's be wildly and passionately open to that and excited about it.

Collide

2011-08-19T11:48:00.001+12:00

Out of the doubt that fills my mind, I somehow find you and I collide.

Today

2011-08-17T14:57:00.002+12:00

WHOAAAAAAAAAA LOVING EVERYTHING TODAY!

This is how it goes:

Driving through the snow in the tiny hours of this morning. There was this pink haze over the sky too and EVERYTHING WAS SO BEAUTIFUL! It all screams about the greatest artist ever.

I got the most quality letter I've ever received in the mail from my honorary brother! He is the man. He wrote me this letter on a typewriter and it was pretty much the best thing EVER! Especially since all I usually get in the mail is bank statements, this was a lot of excitement for one day.

I went to see my friend's rad new photography and design studio! Check out The Treehouse! Exciting things are happening with this place! L-O-V-E I-T!

This afternoon I'm chilling in my room....although not chilling really since I borrowed my flatmate's heater, which turns out is quite effective! Good. I'm doing some painting, and thinking, and next I'm going to do some tidying up.

Life is good. Things fall into place with time!

Waiting

2011-08-16T15:31:00.003+12:00

Sometimes it's hard to know whether you're supposed to walk right on in, or knock and wait for somebody to let you in. Knocking and waiting is obviously the polite thing to do, so I guess I'll do that. It gets cold waiting outside, that's all. Sometimes I just want to throw the door open and run inside where it's warm and hug you.

More than what you're not

2011-08-15T16:04:00.002+12:00

Sometimes things that we are not seem to overtake the things we are, and the gaps and missing pieces inside us seem painfully obvious. But just because there are things we are not doesn't discredit the things that we are. You have to remember that.

With me

2011-08-15T15:00:00.000+12:00

You light up the sky to show me you are with me.

The voice of reason

2011-08-10T14:05:00.002+12:00

When your days is cold, your sun is rising low
When it goes against the balance that you know
When the words we used to colour all the dreams we used to dream
I have come to listen while you sing

When what you have feels more like what you're not
When what you owe is more than what you've got
When the voice of reason finds you and tells you where to be
I have come to tell you to be free

When the words that you've been given ain't been got
And the footsteps you've been walking got you lost
When you're feeling small inside is there still something to be given?
I have come to beckon you to listen

When the morning calls your name and says "no, wait"
When the winter falls on every word you say
When you know it's not your time but you're so damn ready
I am come to tell you to be steady
I have come to tell you to go on

It's the fearless hope inside that keeps you free
And with one foot on the pavement and the other lost at sea
And you only know the realness when the tears are in your eye
I have come to listen while you cry
I have come to give you this goodbye

When you're walking into clouds you can't see through
When the windows and the walls conspire against you
When there's nobody to listen is there something still to say?
I am here to tell you it's okay

I am come to tell you to wait

So I'll step out of my body and my voice
Evacuate so I can hear the noise
If I am not me, and you are not you and we know not what we know
I have come to tell you to let go

-- Luke Thompson

We grow

2011-08-04T18:34:00.002+12:00

It means whatever you need it to.

Rosie

2011-08-02T13:07:00.003+12:00

Rosie is my little sister....she's 4 and she says the cutest things. I LOVE HER SO MUCH! Sometimes we talk on the phone and she is adorable, but when I get to actually spend time with her she is even more adorable! Eeeeeeee I love her!

Premonition

2011-07-30T15:35:00.002+12:00

I love it how you can be in the middle of something that's just tearing you apart, and then you take a step back and you realise that outside this storm there's some beautiful rainbows and sunlight. Oh how cliche, but oh how true.

I'm caught up a little bit in this very big mess involving heaps of people who are very close to me. It's not really something I can walk away from or ignore, but it kills me seeing the people I love the most hurting so much. It kills me keeping secrets and watching them fall to pieces and nothing I say or do making any difference. It kills me that I'm caught in the middle and although I should be loyal to both sides and love equally....the reality is that it's never been like that, and it's even harder to try and make it that way now. I'm doing my utmost best to be mature and adult about this, but sometimes I feel about 4 and orphaned.

And on the other side of things in another part of life there is something beautiful happening which is better than anything I ever imagined or dreamed...beautiful friends and the best of times. People who make my heart scream colour, people whose lives inspire my own and whose friendships I am beyond amazed to have in my life. Honest to goodness, I never knew it could be this good.

And in the middle of everything, good and bad, there's this faith that holds everything together and the comfort of knowing that He knows me and holds me, my future is decided, and nothing will ever take away from that unless I let it.

Life to the full (message)

2011-07-17T23:14:00.002+12:00

About a month ago I got the privilege of going back to my hometown, to the youth group I went to when I was in high school, and sharing a message with the teenagers there! WHOA! My old youth leaders introduced me and were all "If you'd seen this girl when she was Year 9....she was the quietest, most shy person ever, and would most definitely NOT be standing on the stage talking to you!" which is so so true, ahahaha I couldn't/can't really believe it myself. But BAM, I guess when opportunity strikes and something says quietly in your heart "do this" then you do it.

In some conversations with friends and just general observations of the world in the weeks leading up to it, there were several recurring themes and it was really put onto my heart that THIS is what someone needed to hear/know. Which was real exciting!

And I'm pretty sure that it's something everyone could do with a bit of....so here it is, the written version of what I spoke on:

Have you guys seen the Cadbury - Share The Joy ad? I LOVE it aye! It always makes me smile. Cadbury have got it going on! Would you agree that chocolate makes you happy? Haha so last week I went to Pak 'n' Save to get some chocolate (5 blocks, in fact) and as I walked out with my arms full of chocolate I walked past these two ladies...one turns to the other and her face totally lit up and she goes "CHOCOLATE MUST BE ON SPECIAL!" she was waaaaaay excited. Chocolate definitely made her happy!

So what is this happiness thing all about? Why do we all want it so much? It's something that's sold to us every second of the day - do you think that Cadbury would win any extra customers if they made out like chocolate would make you sad? What if they made a song filled with people crying and stuff? I DON'T THINK SO! Bam, being happy is totally where it's at!

But I've found that sometimes life throws hard things at us, and sometimes chocolate just isn't enough to make us happy. In fact, sometimes it seems like NOTHING will ever be enough to make us happy. Maybe that's cos we're going through a hard time, or because things aren't working out the way we think they should, or maybe even for seemingly no reason at all - sometimes you just get unhappy without even knowing why.

I grew up in this little town and from the outside looking in maybe it seemed like I had it all - I had a supportive family, good friends, a job, a car. I was always smiling on the outside but on the inside I wasn't ok. I constantly doubted myself - I was never smart enough, good enough, outgoing enough, funny enough, pretty enough. Never happy enough. Never enough of anything.

I tried all these things that I thought might fill up this emptiness inside me.

I thought if a boy liked me enough to want to be with me then maybe that would be enough.

But it wasn't.

I thought if I could pass NCEA and get into university then that would be enough.

But it wasn't.

I thought that if I was the best at something then that would be enough. But it wasn't.

I thought if I earned the approval of my friends by doing what they were doing then that would be enough.

But it wasn't.

I was chasing this idea of happiness and it was so elusive. The things I tried to make me happy were only momentary - nothing was ever enough. In fact, often the things that I tried to make me happy ended up being the things that hurt me the most.

It was like I was building castles in the sand....as I stood back to admire my handiwork the sea came and washed it all away.

Jesus says in John 10:10 "I have come that you would have life, and have it to the full."

Later on in the Bible, Paul is talking to the Corinthians (they lived in Corinth!) and this is what he says "Now is the right time to listen, the day to be helped. Don't put it off, don't frustrate God's work by showing up late, or throwing a question mark over everything we're doing. People are watching us as we stay at our post...in hard times, bad times, when we're working hard, or late, or without eating; with pure hearts, clear heads, steady hands; and in gentleness, holiness and honest love. When we're telling the truth and when God is sharing His power. When we're doing our best setting things right. When we are praised, and when we're blamed. Slandered and honoured; true to our word, though distrusted; ignored by the world, but recognised by God; terrifically alive, although rumoured to be dead; immersed in tears, yet always filled with deep joy; having nothing, having it all." (The Message, paraphrased)

Paul is reminding the people he is talking to about the hope they have in Jesus. He mentions some pretty wrecking stuff here - he talks about being blamed, slandered (which means people putting you down and basically dragging your name in the dirt), being distrusted, ignored, DEAD even! But that is only one half of the story - he also talks about being praised, being honoured, true to our word, recognised by God - the Creator of the universe! Being not just alive but TERRIFICALLY alive! And then those last few words - "immersed in tears, yet ALWAYS filled with deep joy; having nothing, having it all."

He goes on to say "Dear Corinthians! I can't tell you how much I long for you to enter this wide-open, spacious life. We didn't fence you in. The smallness you feel comes from within you. Your lives aren't small, but you're living them in a small way. I'm speaking as plainly as I can and with great affection. Open up your lives! Live openly and expansively!"

This band called Mumsdollar wrote some epic music and words about all this stuff - it's called A Biography. You can listen to it here!

Some of the lyrics go "Enough is never enough - we'll always be searching, longing for something more. Go and follow your dreams, soon you know we'll realise what we needed was Him all along."

So if nothing is ever going to make us happy enough, where do we get this fullness of life that is talked about in the Bible? It's got to be pretty good if Paul (who got shipwrecked a few times, stoned, beaten, and more in his lifetime!) can say he is ALWAYS filled with a deep joy - having nothing but having it all.

The interesting thing is that Paul didn't come from a Christian background - in fact back in the day he used to hunt down Christians and arrest them! He blasphemed God's name and persecuted Christians - threatening to kill them, and now here he is writing whole books of the Bible. Wait a minute, how did that happen???!

Jesus changed Paul. One day he was just going about his business when Jesus showed up - all bright lights - and Paul was blinded by His glory and became this might warrior for Jesus' name. That's like the coolest testimony ever because he went from being this guy who persecuted and tortured God's people, to being a leader and encourager of the faith - not just to the Corinthians and the people of that day, but even now the words God spoke through him are encouraging people like us right here! I bet he never even dreamed he would end up being this soldier for Christ like he became, but God took what Paul was using against Him, and turned it into something good for the kingdom! God is amazing like that and he takes our weaknesses and transforms them into His strength.

God didn't create us to live small lives! He sees soooooooo much potential in us, so so so much more than we could ever imagine for ourselves! All the things you think you can't do....with God you can! It's really hard to fathom how we could be of any use to the Creator of the universe, but the tiniest bit of ourselves that we can offer to God, he will multiply!

And that is the fullness of life that Paul is talking about. He's talking about how on our own or to the world, we are weak and all those other things he listed like being distrusted, blamed, slandered or ignored. But when we choose God and when God is with us then we come alive inside!

At it's simplest it is a call to put God first and be open to the amazing plan He has for your life. There's going to be hard time and the sun won't always shine, but with God there's this peace of knowing that He's got our back, ALWAYS. So even though sometimes we may be immersed in tears, we will always be filled with great joy.

He takes our skin and bones and makes us beautiful - makes us better.

Feet/shoes

2011-07-14T22:02:00.003+12:00

Tonight I've been thinking about feet.

I think they're really strange things, to be honest. They just weirdly sit at the bottom of your body. They stick out weird! And then I imagined us without them, and realised that they hold our whole bodies up! Otherwise we'd just wobble around. Oh heck, I'm sounding like a crazy person. I swear I AM going somewhere with this. Although it did make more sense in my head.

So I've been forced to think about this foot issue a lot more lately as I grapple with the notion of wearing shoes that work in the rain, since that's allllllllll the weather has been doing lately. My shoes of choice are generally jandals or ridiculously high heels...neither of which are ideal rainy weather shoes. So my options are: lace-up combat boots; black VANS; or "ninja shoes".

Let me outline the problems I have with each of these shoe options:

1) Lace up combat boots (kind of like this)

I LOVE these boots, I really do. The trouble is, I only love them with skirts/dresses, and stockings. If you're keen to keep your legs a bit warmer (which you should be, in this weather) and considering the option of wearing jeans, then I'm sorry but lace-up combat boots just are not going to work. The issue I have when I try desperately to make it work (because I figure since skinny jeans and combat boots are both so wonderful on their own, their SHOULD be a way to make them be amazing together)....is that my legs just look ridiculous. I'm not really sure how to explain it better than that. I know it CAN look good but I'm afraid my legs just aren't appropriate for this combination.

So, combat boots are out if I want my legs to be warm in the slightest.

2) VANS (like this, except mine are high tops)

These are generally what I end up wearing with my jeans. Let me just have a rant here though...I bought them not even a year ago and already they are totally wrecked! And I thought I was being smart by getting more expensive shoes, thinking they would last forever. Apparently not though. LAME. Thanks a lot, Vans! Although in saying that, despite them falling apart I still continue to wear them and they haven't totally fallen apart yet....so maybe there was something in my theory.

The other trouble with these shoes is that although comfortable and functional - they're not incredibly classy looking. And classiness is my favourite thing. So...something doesn't add up here.

3) Ninja shoes (like this, except canvas instead of leather)

These shoes cost me $6.07 at the Warehouse. Which points directly to them being produced in a sweat shop, therefore by buying them I am indirectly supporting unethical trade. The realisation of this is not a proud moment, but sometimes I just can't pass up a bargain. What's disgusting is that this so called bargain is at someone else's expense. I am ashamed.

Anyway, the ninja shoes - don't ask me why they're called that....Krystal and Tracy call them that and since I lived with them now I do too - are pretty comfortable and stuff, but again I have an issue with their unclassiness - although I shouldn't really expect much since they WERE budget shoes. However, they haven't fallen apart yet and I purchased them around the same time as the VANS so there's something to be said about that isn't there.

If I'm honest I guess I'm just looking for the ultimate shoe that works with ANYTHING, doesn't make my feet wet, is comfortable, classy and functional. I realise that a range of shoes could offer me all these benefits, but I just want one single pair of shoes.

That's all.

You make me up when I'm down

2011-07-13T17:03:00.002+12:00

It's real easy to get down about stuff - life seems to have this habit of turning corners unexpectedly and suddenly all your hopes and dreams seem meaningless and unattainable.
But I don't want to be someone who lets myself get thrashed about by the way I feel...cos we were meant to live for so much more than that. There is a healthy kind of sorrow, but you mustn't allow it to own you. Especially when, in the grand scheme of things (as in my case), the way you're responding to the situation at hand is ridiculous and immature. Ha, man I love how the moment you decide something, or make a stand...that gets challenged! It's like a test of your word. So can I make what I say and how I feel match up? In the good way. Cos I can choose how I feel! Ooh, that's some power right there :)

Sometimes you need some positivity to influence you though. These links are going to take you to some good places!

I LOVE reading quotes, especially by CS Lewis! Probably my favourite is: "If I find in myself desires nothing in this world can satisfy, I can only conclude that I was not made for here." That guy was full of wisdom!

This song always reminds me what matters.

Give me honesty before correctness.

God gives us hope but we still fear what we don't know.

Love is bigger than just falling in it.

Ch-ch-ch-check it all out!

Mixtape

2011-07-13T13:28:00.004+12:00

Current soundtrack to my life:

Avalanche City - Love Love Love
The Art of Sleeping - Colourblind
Kids of 88 - Sugarpills
Junica feat. Ladyhawke - Living In My House
Dan Black feat. Kid Cudi - Symphonies
Kidz in Space - On The Road
The Honey Trees - To Be With You
Miriam Clancy - The Best
The Silver Fox Project - Baby On The Way
Sam Tanner - Time Alone
Kids of 88 - Nerves
Anberlin - Autobahn
Death Cab For Cutie - You Are A Tourist
The Naked and Famous - Young Blood
Junica - Behind My Back
The Killers - A Dustland Fairytale

Check them out, discover some cool new stuff, and rediscover some old stuff :)
Best of all, 90% of this is kiwi music! Repping that strong, I LOVE the tunes coming out of New Zealand at the moment!

If this is love then it's just begun.

2011-07-11T23:06:00.001+12:00

This is the best.

Exploring

2011-07-10T14:49:00.005+12:00

In the spirit of un-comfortability I spontaneously drove a thousand kilometres by myself without much of an idea of what I was going to do or where I was going to stay or where I was even going, all with the simple intention of spending a few hours with a friend who flew to America today.

Discovering in the process:

1) New Zealand is waaaaaaay beautiful.

2) I CAN read a map - check this girl out: didn't get lost A SINGLE TIME! Although to be fair, when you don't know where you going you can't really get lost. Still, I'm claiming that "didn't get lost once" title.

3) Sleeping in your car on the side of the road is fun when there's someone else with you, but on your own....not so much!

4) Again, New Zealand is so so so so beautiful! Love love love it!

I cranked a playlist full of some rad kiwi music alllllllllll the way up and down the country. Have you guys heard Living in my House by Junica/Ladyhawke. I LOVE IT! Solid reccommendation from me.

I took a few photos!

Naked trees and sunset:

SO MUCH RAIN! But nice and cosy inside Mum's bubble car :) she's cool for letting me borrow it. In Tauranga the indicators broke....but then I was like "HEY GOD, the indicators suddenly don't work! What's up with thaaaaaat? Can you fix it??" cos I wasn't that keen on waving my arms out the windows alllllllllllll the way home. And then I wiggled this piece of paper and then the indicators worked.
Oh hiiiiiii Mel, you've got some sweet light in your lounge!
The map book that aided my not getting lost once feat - along with a bit of google maps and a few stops at some information centres (those places are the best invention ever!). Also, I got a new phone, which although not an iphone, is pretty exciting after repping the sanyo pinkalicious for 5 years. But alas, her time was up and she was about to be disconnected. So I got this guy down here....the BEST bit is that I also got a USB charger. And $60 free credit!
Oh heeeeeeey great lake Taupo. You're looking pretty fine.
Whatup wind, you make my hair do crazy things.

I stopped at this closed down gas station and it made me feel like I was in America where they have those endless roads with closed down gas stations. Not that I've been there and could verify the existence of such places....but I've heard stories.
Constantly reminded of His presence:

Life, you're just so full of win! Living in the best days!

In love

2011-07-07T00:23:00.003+12:00

Today I've been thinking a lot about love, because it's one of my favourite things. Although I can't wait to fall in love myself, I do think love is a lot bigger than a boy and a girl making eyes at each other. Which is cool cos that means my singleness doesn't exclude me from joining in this crazy love business. That's real exciting and I've been thinking of ways I can show love to more people.

Tonight I was at work and I ended up with this table of 2 who are regulars, and the guy is the rudest person in the universe. So rude that it's mainly just hard for me not to burst out laughing at him. Hahaha. Oh dear. But tonight I thought to myself "Jesus loves this guy!" which was quite a radical though. But anyway, I was real polite and helpful and went out of my way to make sure he was happy! And I felt real good about it, instead of being mad at him for being so utterly rude which is how I usually feel after looking after them for the night.

And then another (completely lovely!) lady from another table I had gave me a $20 tip! Which made the whole night double worth it.

I'm going to keep trying to show love to EVERYONE!

Young and free

2011-07-05T22:32:00.002+12:00

I feel like I've run out of things to say here.

Or, maybe, I've got so much to say and I just don't know where to start.

The thing is, life is BEAUTIFUL. I'm living in the best days of my life right now. Surrounded by beautiful people and love and adventure and totally overwhelmed with blessings and surprises. Things happen and I just laugh because I know it's not coincidence, or random events. My life has a definite direction and purpose.

And sometimes I don't know how to respond to that. In a world that is hurting and broken...so many people are lost and lonely. And I could so easily become that way myself because life ISN'T perfect. I feel like I shouldn't be this happy. But I'm finding that in the pain there is something beautiful. And if I can be happy in spite of it, isn't that something to celebrate? It's something like this.... "immersed in tears, yet filled with deep joy: having nothing, yet having it all." (that's from 2 Corinthians 6:13).

We are blessed beyond measure!

The best things

2011-06-30T20:19:00.002+12:00

cosy farmer shirts from the opshop | aloe vera juice (HOW DOES SOMETHING THIS DELICIOUS EXIST ON EARTH??) | that feeling halfway between being scared out of your pants and so excited you can't stop shaking | the semester not ending with a mental breakdown for the first time ever | successfully having 15 people over for dinner | making things I'm proud of | 2 Corinthians 6: 1-13 (The Message) | leaving my Bible in my friend's car and missing it the very next day (this means I'm actually reading it!) | changing my room around | having a clean house - I LOVE clean | wearing shorts in the middle of winter (yes, I froze...but it was sunny!) | having heaps of seats to give people rides in my current vehicle | making packages for people is so so fun! | the excitement of going out for tea and going to my hometown and visiting my old youth group with one of my favourite people in the world tomorrow! | learning about love | finding peace in the unknown | "immersed in tears, yet always filled with deep joy" | talking to people you hardly know about things that matter | road trips with new friends | hundreds of blankets on my bed

What are some things that YOU love?

5/6

2011-06-28T23:59:00.003+12:00

Semester is over and midyear holidays is upon me! Do you know what this actually means? It means that I'm 5/6ths of the way through my degree. Yeaaaaaaa baby. Who knew I had it in me aye? And do you know what, this year is actually turning out to be the best one yet! I've found my groove. And yes, I despise that word so if you can think of an appropriate substitution I'd be eternally grateful. I did 3 3rd level papers this semester annnnnnnd, got an overall mark of A+ in two of them! I don't even know how that's possible, but apparently I'm getting kind of ok at this graphic design thing! That's quite exciting because in 5 months or so I'm going to have to go out and find a job doing it, so it's definitely a good thing that I'm getting better at it.

I'm REALLY excited about getting a job. I think in this mad crazy long 5 week break I get (why???!!!) I'm going to put together some epic portfolio/resume thing. I'm a little bit stumped about where to begin though...what do you think is important to highlight when breaking into the creative industry?

New Reads

2011-06-19T16:58:00.002+12:00

I found a classy blog that I've been stalking all day pretty much.

I'm quite sure that the girl and I could almost be the same person...

I especially liked this story. I think it's the cutest thing ever.

1) because I do the exact same thing with hairpins....you never know when you're going to need one!

2) this means there is hope for a boy to marry me in spite of my strategic hairpin placing as well as my messiness, strange eating habits, tendency to get very easily distracted and my nocturnal ways.

Go on, read her blog, you know you want to.

She's also a rad graphic designer who freelances and her hallway is painted with giant black and white stripes. What more can I say?

Declaration

2011-06-17T15:33:00.002+12:00

"
I'm a part of the fellowship of the unashamed. The die has been cast. I have stepped over the line. The decision has been made. I'm a disciple of His and I won't look back, let up, slow down, back away, or be still.
My past is redeemed. My present makes sense. My future is secure. I'm done and finished with low living, sight walking, small planning, smooth knees, colorless dreams, tamed visions, mundane talking, cheap living, and dwarfed goals.
I no longer need preeminence, prosperity, position, promotions, plaudits, or popularity. I don't have to be right, or first, or tops, or recognized, or praised, or rewarded. I live by faith, lean on His presence, walk by patience, lift by prayer, and labor by Holy Spirit power.
My face is set. My gait is fast. My goal is heaven. My road may be narrow, my way rough, my companions few, but my guide is reliable and my mission is clear.
I will not be bought, compromised, detoured, lured away, turned back, deluded or delayed.
I will not flinch in the face of sacrifice or hesitate in the presence of the adversary. I will not negotiate at the table of the enemy, ponder at the pool of popularity, or meander in the maze of mediocrity.
I won't give up, shut up, or let up until I have stayed up, stored up, prayed up, paid up, and preached up for the cause of Christ.
I am a disciple of Jesus. I must give until I drop, preach until all know, and work until He comes. And when He does come for His own, He'll have no problems recognizing me. My colors will be clear!
"

This vibrant declaration was contributed by Dr. Nina Gunter who got it from veteran missionary Louse Robinson Chapman (Africa: 1920-1940).

For sure

2011-06-17T14:50:00.002+12:00

There are these lyrics in a song by Brooke Fraser that resonate with my soul:

"but of all the things I know for sure,
You're the only certain one"

(she goes on to sing)

"cause if I add, if I subtract, if I give it all, try to take some back
I've forgotten the freedom that comes from the fact that You are the sum...
and You are the one I want."

The depth of these words is so profound, and lately I'm finding out more and more how true they are. All these things in my life that I have always been sure of are slowly crumbling, and yet I am surrounded by the ocean of calm that comes from knowing the fact that nothing matters except for the answer, which is the truth, which nothing can ever change.

That's good!

For some reason good old blogger won't let me go off italics. That'll teach me for trying to go all designy on it.

BAM! that's the goodness going on today :)

More than anybody says

2011-06-14T17:26:00.001+12:00

Sunny

2011-06-10T13:03:00.005+12:00

Sunny was a good car.

She survived my 14 year old driving lesson experiences down Laws Road. She took me from the small town to the big city and back (45 minutes each way) every day for a year. She was there for me during my year 12 exams when I used to drive down to the duckpond and trees and sit in her and study. She was always up for a good road trip. She housed all my junk and helped me move house 3 times. Despite me being possibly the worst car owner in the world, she just always kept going and going and going.

Her little bunny-hopping quirk when at that awkward speed of 30-40km was kinda cute, and I got used to the broken hydraulics on the boot making it slam down on my head way too many times to count.

But now it's time to part our ways.

We came to a halt on the side of the road. Steam was rising from the bonnet and there was a strange ticking sound. I went for a walk and got a hot chocolate, hoping to return to a healthy car that would let me continue on my journey. But alas, upon my return Sunny would not even start. She was towed to the garage. Little did I know that would be the last time I see her. She's going to cost too much to fix so I guess this is the end of me and my trusty car.

It was all so sudden and there was no time for goodbyes.

And on days like today when it's freezing and pouring with rain and I'm left wondering how I'm going to get to work and back tonight....I'm missing her more than ever.

Rest in peace my wonderful car, you were good to me despite my neglect and selfish ways with you.

A ship in a harbour is safe...but that's not what a ship was built for

2011-06-09T09:20:00.002+12:00

I am struck by this idea that the comfortable places - the safe places - don't give us space to achieve what we were made to do. The rope that keeps us in the safe waters also stops us from sailing at all. The walls that protect us also hide us from the sun.
We must risk falling if we are ever going to fly.
It's so so so easy just to get comfortable and always do what is safest. I do it alllllll the time. But lately life seems to be forcing me out of this comfortable realm into something that makes me catch my breath with fear, but at the same time makes my heart pound with joy.
Because the unknown is scary, but it's also exciting.
So when my car dies for good, and I've got no money to get a new one, and I have to start being creative and finding new ways to get places...I realise that inconvenience challenges us to rise to the occasion. Getting outside our comfortable places opens our world to all this beauty that we would have been blind to had we stayed in our safe little harbours.
Walking down my hill at 7.30am this morning, and across the bridge and seeing the sun on the water and feeling the cold winter air...that was the best part of my day. And yet forcing myself to get out of bed was the hardest thing.
Throughout my life, the best things I have done and the things I am the most proud of have all required me to step out of what is comfortable into something unknown.
DO HARD THINGS!
Bam, life is good.

2011-06-07T14:16:00.001+12:00

love

Raw

2011-06-04T11:56:00.003+12:00

This is life.

We fight, we break, we hurt, we feel, we search, we wander, we fall, we try.

I'm doing all I can, and I know that I'm just as ok as the next person. These struggles are nothing new and nothing I cannot turn into something good. But sometimes I'm just overwhelmed by the fact that I will never be enough - of anything.

Blue Velvet

2011-06-03T19:55:00.002+12:00

Lucky enough to take some snaps of the mega talented Kopie wearing her Great-Aunt's luxurious royal blue cape today! It was b-e-a-u-t-i-f-u-l but icy icy cold, so we didn't stay out of the car too long.

Winter is beautiful.

Alive

2011-06-02T13:47:00.004+12:00

It's better than you think.

Displacement

2011-06-01T11:18:00.002+12:00

-- words by C.S Lewis

Also, I'm a little bit obsessed with triangles at the moment.

All we are is wood for burning

2011-05-30T10:14:00.002+12:00

Look, sometimes life gets crazy and things happen and the vision fades and you lose sight of the reason.

But all I want and all I need is You.

Don't waste this time alone.

Sometimes it's easy to forget that life is so much more than this little thing that's taking up all my attention right now, whatever that may be. Just step back and realise that it's much bigger than just us.

Secrets make you sick

2011-05-26T22:48:00.002+12:00

For years and years and years and years I used to always keep everything inside...I'd never let my true feelings show. It's a lesson learned in time...all those years of things I couldn't say piled up and I'm not sure when it changed but something flipped the switch and now I can't keep my own secrets to save my life. I tell close-to-strangers things that are closest to my heart. I am as transparent as a clean window, I can't really think of a single thing about myself that at least one person doesn't know.

But lately there's been something that I can't really tell anyone, but today I did and it's crazy how a simple hug can make you know it's going to be ok, so thankyou.

Heart

2011-05-25T02:22:00.002+12:00

My heart may say he's the one but unless his says the same then that doesn't mean anything at all.

This weekend

2011-05-23T14:46:00.002+12:00

sleeping heaps | not doing any assignments because I'm sick | Allen actually cuddling me and purring heaps, I never thought I could love a cat but I might love him...sometimes | op shopping with Jordyn & Camille & Hannah & Xanda | borrowing each others clothes (living with 4 other girls is so ideal) | cute texts from my friends saying "get better!" | my brothers' band Mayday winning a lyrics award for their song about love! | getting so so so inspired | learning how to use After Effects! thanks Nath! | the world not ending because that day's going to come like a thief in the night - no one's going to know the time until it's upon us | these words: "I called, You answered...and You came to my rescue and I..... want to be where You are" | making pancakes for tea with the raddest person ever - I never knew anyone else aside from myself who thought that having pancakes for tea was acceptable - he's a keeper! Pretty much made my life. | knowing things for sure | everything becoming clear: no more worrying about the future!

OH LIFE! You're so good to me.

In love with the dreamer

2011-05-21T20:46:00.002+12:00

Am I in love with the dreamer, or am I just in love with the dream?

(skip forward to about 55 seconds...this song is so so so beautiful and perfect, it's more than worth it!)

Triangles

2011-05-19T15:59:00.004+12:00

A little piece of art just for the sake of it in between all the research that's going down today!

I'm listening to Sleeptalkers... "Maybe this is our time now, we could get out of this town...I'm waiting for things to change, but we both know they stay the same."

Today all my photography friends have been working hard on things that are due tomorrow. Their work is so so so good! Catching my breath at the amazingness they're making, man I'm so lucky to be surrounded by that talent...it's SO inspiring.

Artist

2011-05-16T00:33:00.000+12:00

I am an artist.

Design Assignment

2011-05-11T16:39:00.004+12:00

YEEEEAAAAA I can't tell you how much I love design. ULTIMATE! Plus, I'm doing some business papers this year and working out a financial plan today has reminded me how awesome I've got it, doing what I love the majority of the time! Excel and I don't really belong together, I've found. But me and Illustrator, man we're tight.
This is my design assignment! Yayahhhh! It excites me. So I was thinking about what I want to do when I finish studying and get let loose on the big wide world, graphic design degree in hand...and since I can't decide what I want to do I thought that this year I'd just do heaps of different things that line up with all the things I want to do in the future! One of the things I'd love to do is work for Federation, cos I think they've just got the maddest style and total awesome branding and stuff. I just LOVE their company, clothes, EVERYTHING! So I pretty much did this assignment so I could show it to Federation in my portfolio and they'd be all "Man, this girl's a sweet designer! She could create some rad photoshoots for us, and she could also design some pretty mean campaigns! We need her on our team, and we're going to pay her millions!"
So, I made up this brand called ELEVEN, it's clothing for guys who like to travel! They need stylish clothes that won't fall apart on the road, and they've got to be comfortable and be able to go from Switzerland to Hawaii, and always be perfect for whatever the occasion! Haha man that's asking a lot from clothes! So I called the company ELEVEN to reference the Apollo11, which was the first rocket to land on the moon with people in it back in 1969! Pretty much the ultimate travel adventure! If ELEVEN clothing had been around back then....man those astronauts would have been looking pretty smart! Unfortunately for them....they just had to wear puffy spacesuits.
Anyway, I whipped up this little booklet as a mini style guide kind of thing, and to communicate the feeling that the brand creates.

Haha, do you think Federation will hire me? Eep! I hope so!

Shadows

2011-05-09T13:31:00.003+12:00

Lastnight the moon was perfect,

And I love the shadows the trees make on the wall.

And in that moment when I noticed, everything was beautiful.

Open my eyes to moments like that, every moment of every day and night.

Moved

2011-05-06T22:59:00.002+12:00

There is this song by Lifehouse called Everything and it goes "how can I stand here with you and not be moved by you?" I listen to it heaps on repeat, it's so good. Music is just so beautiful. It got me thinking about things that move me.

These pictures move me.

This song moves me.

And this one.

Most of all though, probably, people move me.

What moves you?

Nate

2011-05-06T19:37:00.001+12:00

kljghaighaipadklhj!!!

2011-05-06T13:50:00.002+12:00

I'm just SO excited by graphic design right now. It's seriously making my head spin.
WE WERE CREATED TO CREATE!
Ok, so yesterday I was on the blog of one of my friends - Promise. SHE IS TRULY AMAZING! Check her out :) on her blog she featured an ebook that she collaborated on with heaps of other straight-up awesome artists. It's called Creative Matters and it's probably the most inspiring thing I've ever read about graphic design. 100 whole pages of it, and it's free to download, RIGHT NOW! Click here. I'm halfway through and so far I agree with everything that's been said. It's got me so excited and all I want to do is create things!

This morning I helped assist a shoot with a 3 month old baby! She was so beautiful and I got to hold her *eep*. I love babies so much, and it's been so long since I've held one! Hahaha, I was smitten with her. Pretty much made my week!

I'm working on my research project at the moment and it's getting me so excited! Haha which is SO good, because research usually isn't my favourite thing. But man, this is going to be good! I'm finding out so much information and it's so interesting and has got me thinking new things.
Usually I play it safe with my assignments and choose something easy that I know I can do really well. This year for some crazy reason I decided I should challenge myself, and I decided to do my final year-long project on something HUGE and vague that didn't really make any sense. But I believe in it, and I think that's making all the difference. I don't know where it's going and that's half the fun.

Look, let's just get excited about EVERYTHING! Life is so beautiful and it doesn't have to hurt, it doesn't have to be a struggle! We are young and have the whole world ahead of us, let's just be amazing.

Oh yeaaaaa, and I've booked the whole month of January 2012 off work! I'm going to travel all over New Zealand and get to know my little country a bit better. I'm so excited to plan my little adventure. I'm going to go all over the South Island, and right up the top of the North. There's so much I haven't seen and I'm so excited to get to know everywhere better!

I hope you're all having a wonderful Friday!

The times we shared.

2011-05-05T21:37:00.006+12:00

Sometimes I can't believe how I'm even related to these total, utter beauties. It makes me catch my breath! I love them so much. Since I left home they've grown up incredibly...it makes me a little bit sad at what I've missed but I guess the reality is that being away from them makes me appreciate the time we share so much more. Me and Rosie have this secret where I whisper "Who's your favourite?" in her ear, and she always whispers back... "YOU!" It's the cutest thing. Last week after the traditional exchange she added "But I kind of used to hate you....when you went away, but now I love you." CUUUUUUTIE! I love them both so so so much.

The best things

2011-05-04T15:56:00.006+12:00

Things I love about today....

Knowing that my Federation t-shirt is arriving in the post TOMORROW! EEP. I may camp out by the mailbox, I'm that excited.

Making lime meringue pie at Tracy's tonight! With all our friends :) Tracy had this magnificent idea and to be honest I'm not sure I've ever been so excited about food. I can't believe this hasn't been done before, it's just too brilliant. Lemon meringue pie is the best dessert in the world, but limes are so much greater than lemons...so it goes without saying that lime meringue pie is going to rule the world with it's amazingness. I'm soooooo excited! We invited more people because we knew that if it was just us we'd eat it all. And that would be quite shocking. Plus, we like people.

Asking for $2 worth of chips when they are blatantly priced at $3.50, but deciding that I didn't want that many hot chips and also I didn't want to spend that much money. I always ask and they always deny me, but I asked again today just in case. The guy says "Ok, I'll do it for you, but only because I like your hair." hahaha YUSSSSSS. What a sweetie.

Talking to Nick for ages while my photos were getting printed.

Getting a text from Mum even though I have no credit to text her back. She's the best!

Doing this branding assignment, and then getting real excited and getting pictures off Google and putting the logo I invented on EVERYTHING. T-shirt! Shoes! Necklace! Hat! Suitcase! Cat bowl! Hahahaha. I LOVE making stuff!

What are you loving about today?

Nocturnality

2011-05-03T01:17:00.004+12:00

Pretty certain I am actually nocturnal.

Unfortunately my nocturnality does not translate to productivity: I stay awake for hours for no reason...sleep evades me.

Although, tonight I have designed a logo. Good.

Incoherent public ramblings at 1am may not be the best idea, but here goes.

Tonight I cooked quiche for the first time, I was quite pleased with the result considering I didn't have half the ingredients, couldn't be bothered working out the exact (or even approximate) measurements of the ingredients I did have, and also used the wrong kind of pastry. Quite the success!

We also collectively cleaned our flat yesterday. It was a mass effort and now everything is spotless. Long may it continue! It had got to the point where I was embarrassed to have visitors, which is not ideal.

All in all, seems I'm turning into a regular little grown-up.

I even remembered to put the rubbish out ALL BY MYSELF last week, and I tell you....that's no simple matter.

Suddenly I'm sleepy, so perhaps I'll cut this short.

There, that wasn't so bad.

Home

2011-04-28T14:35:00.006+12:00

My house is too quiet and I need people around me, so I decided to go and stay with my family for a few days. I slept in my sisters' room lastnight and when I woke up this morning I could have sworn I was 16 again. It just felt like it used to.
This morning me and the boys went and took photos. This is the second time I've taken photos this week, and it's good and I've missed it. I think I've had enough of a break from photography to actually enjoy it again. Good.
Here we go:

(all pictures with me in were taken by the awesome DAN!)

Two Strangers

2011-04-26T12:52:00.004+12:00

I'm really fascinated by people's preconceived stereotypes and judgements. The way people react to "difference" says a lot about their character.

I know I am just as guilty of passing judgement as anyone, but I try to make a conscious effort to have an open mind and love for everyone.

I guess getting dreadlocks was a bit of a social experiment. I wanted to see if people judged me differently simply because of the way I have my hair. I want to challenge people's ideas about what is socially acceptable and what is not socially acceptable. I can't understand how having bleached blonde perfectly straight hair is any more socially acceptable than having natural coloured knotted hair.

And people do judge me differently.

Don't get me wrong, I find it interesting. I'm fascinated by people's comments. Just today I walked past a lady in the Warehouse who said - quite loudly - "tragic" with a little snicker as she brushed past me. I was amused. Why did she look at me and find a reason to put me down rather than anyone else around her? And why is it acceptable to say something rude to me, simply because of the way I choose to style my hair?

Heck, it's just hair.

And then there are the ones who smile and say "I love your hair!". I smile and thank them...I appreciate them going out of their way to compliment me. But to be honest, if I took the compliments on board then I'd have to take the criticism on board. I like my hair and I'm not really overly bothered what anyone else thinks of it, except for the fact that I'm interested in psychoanalysing people's reactions.

When it comes down to it, people can think what they like, but that's never going to change who I am.

(EDIT: I am a design nerd. I had to go back and edit this to get rid of the two widows I found after I published it. Yep. That far.)

7 days

2011-04-25T16:16:00.002+12:00

This week has been quite interesting. My flatmates are away for the holidays and the silence is deafening. I think I've become an extrovert.

Also, I realised that something I've been hoping for and praying for might not happen. Realising that made me realise how much I want it. I'm still hoping and praying but I guess I just have to be open to whatever happens. Either way, it's a beautiful life.

So, these are some things that made me happy this week:

Long weekends and public holidays when the shops are closed - it's so refreshing; Songs I'd forgotten about but still love; Learning guitar scales (I love having friends who are master guitarists!); Strangers complimenting my hair; New FEDERATION line, especially the luxe dress in midnight blue and the half-full/full tee! IN LOVE; New winter shoes! I have been repping the Havaianas for far too long; Taking photos again, and remembering how much I loved my 50mm 1.8 lens; Seeing old friends who I haven't seen in ages; Allen going to stay in Wellington for the next week! (he requires sooooooo much attention); AMAZING LOVE (Easter); Incredible conversations about fonts we dislike; Pinterest; Talking to everyone I meet about The Hope Project, and everyone getting so excited about it, and wanting to help! Makes me so happy and excited; Getting an A+ for an assignment that took me 10 minutes. Ha; Predictive text....I have fallen captive to that which I despised; Making friends wherever I go; Meeting beautiful new friends and getting told I rate 10 on their scaled of "coolness" say whaaaaaaaat! I'm never cool!; Spontaneous 24 hour visits home; Getting reminded about patience CONSTANTLY....um I think I've got the picture. Now can things hurry up and happen?; New flatmate and new bedroom this week! Excite!; Hugging Kez and her saying "I miss you. I wish we could go back in time."; Designing wedding invitations for the most wonderful couple; Doing things that scare me; Choosing happiness because I'm the boss of myself!

There ain't nothing ever going to bring me down!

Traditional

2011-04-24T17:28:00.003+12:00

To be honest, all I really want is to fall in love, get married, make a home, have babies and live simply.

More love

2011-04-23T13:38:00.002+12:00

More peacefulness, more kindness, more forgiving, more patience, more giving, more joy, more self control, more faith, more wisdom, more compassion, more hope, and above all more love.

I'm never done learning.

Design

2011-04-21T14:41:00.003+12:00

I love how you start with nothing.
Then you type a word, you change the typeface, you move the letters around, you change the sizes and you maybe take some things away. You put a line here - some colour there.
It just seems to create itself, and where there was a blank page now there's something that's going to communicate a feeling and a message to whoever sees it! And there seems to be no real explanation of how it even happened. It just...happens. I start with no idea and then one thing leads to another.
I love how you start with nothing.

Risk

2011-04-20T11:01:00.002+12:00

AHHHHHHH I'M SO HAPPY!

I chose something that was hard, that I believed in, that made my heart beat faster, that no one else had done before, that made my head spin, that scared me, that made me work.
I mentioned something that negated my argument, I found things that weren't really relevant and pretended that they were, I didn't write about qualitative or quantitative research, I said it from my heart instead of academically.

And I got (almost) the best mark of my life on what is probably the most important assignment of my life.

This is the start of something big! And what an epic start. Those all-nighters were so worth it!

I just can't stop smiling!

Something I need to keep remembering

2011-04-19T00:31:00.001+12:00

"waiting is the hardest thing, but when you're waiting for the right thing then it's so so so so soooooooooo worth it!"

I'll follow you into the dark

2011-04-16T12:13:00.001+12:00

If there's no one beside you when your soul embarks, I'll follow you into the dark.

photo by kopie

editing by me

LOVE

2011-04-14T23:27:00.004+12:00

It's going to change the world.

Here's how we do it:

Every single day, in every single thing...make loving people your priority! Tell them how much you appreciate them, tell them that you love what they do or who they are. I used to find it so scary giving compliments, until one day I realised that people can't read my mind and that they might just be wanting or needing that tiny bit of affirmation that I have the power to give them! That's so HUGE, and yet it's so simple. Which makes it even more huge! Love is irresistible. If you have a genuine love for people - all people - that shines SO bright.

Turn everything into a positive. See good things in everyone. This is how I think it works: when someone expects a certain standard of you....don't you do your very best to reach that standard? But if someone doesn't seem to expect anything of you, then it's so easy to not even try. See the best in people and I believe that they will rise to that standard.

This has taken a lot of working out on my part. I'm not always the best at loving people but lately I've had some pretty great people in my life who show me this kind of love, and I've realised what a massive thing it can be.

So I'm joining this love revolution! Come on, it's going to change your life! Love for everyone! DOOOOOOO ITTTTTT!

Hard things

2011-04-14T11:04:00.001+12:00

Sometimes hard things are good,
but that still doesn't make them easy.

You're the best thing that has happened to me

2011-04-13T03:22:00.002+12:00

You say you want all of me?

I wouldn't have it any other way!

Whooooooo! Don't you just love it how sometimes you get this sense of things to come, and they're BIG, EXCITING things? That happened to me at the start of this year. I don't know...I guess I was shown a vision or something. I just got the strongest feeling that this year I would do things in God's name that I could never do on my own.

So I was like "Yep! Where you go I'll go, and where you move I'll move. I will follow YOU!"

And without even deliberately seeking anything out of the ordinary, things keep landing at my feet that are growing me and changing me and it just makes me laugh because God was right! And all these crazy circumstances that are so much more than coincidence collide to form something bigger and more wonderful than I ever imagined.

Like, being at church and meeting this girl who looked kind of familiar, and then finding out that we used to be best friends when we were four, until she moved away and I never saw her again. And now fifteen years later we are in the same church.

Like, thinking about maybe doing something and then thinking "NO THAT'S WAY TOO SCARY" and then forgetting about it. Remembering two months later and still thinking "NO THAT'S WAY TOO SCARY. But, God if you want me to do it then I'll do it. But they have to ask me to do it." And then them asking me the very next day.

Like all these incredible people and the opportunities to encourage them and be encouraged by them. I truly have been so so so so so incredibly blessed with all of these 200% wonderful people in my life!

So many other things that I can't even begin to list them all. All these little things are piling up to create this story of awesomeness that is so elaborate and intricate and beautiful!

And it's so incredible to think that 6 months ago I was ready to stop believing. God changed everything and has proved Himself beyond a shadow of doubt. AND I'M ALL IN!

Love will always win!

We soar

2011-04-11T19:17:00.000+12:00

love will find a way

2011-04-11T16:48:00.003+12:00

if i put me in a bowl
and put the bowl in a hole
well then no one should know
where i am

but my love here's the thing
you do not honestly think
that i should cover or shrink
who i am

-- lydia cole